MAN-LIKE MACHINES: art / enlightenment / the future

	NINJA: Life Among the Shadows is a project that Joe and I actually filmed a fair bit of during our last year of college in Bloomington, IN. The script was long enough to not quite be a short but not quite a feature, more something in the vein of Killer's Kiss, around an hour or so long. We briefly had a VHS cassette I had edited together of the half hour or so worth of footage we had shot, which included the fight scene at a public playground shown above, much of the General Tso and Lou interviews, as well as impromptu street interviews featuring some brilliant Joe English material. Alas, that tape seems to be lost to the world. But it was worth it for the experience of building a ninja head out of ground chuck, a plastic mask and black ninja wrapping, with a homemade explosive in the center, for the exploding head scene in the movie's opening. We took the ninja head out to a public forest area to shoot the scene behind a sheet of plexiglass, but the explosion didn't go quite as we expected, instead simply shooting a jet of flame out of one side of the meat ninja head. Still, good footage now gone. Ah well. Anyway, below is a bit of the script that might give you some idea of the absurd style we were going for. (And me as General Tso in a ninja outfit with pillows in my chest did not end up working, I must add)
	SCENE 16 Cut to crew following ninja down hallway inside ninja stronghold (the union) towards fireplace room. General Tso is sitting by the fire. As thewy approach him another ninja runs up, hands him a clip board. He looks over it, says “yes, immediately” signs it, hands it back. The ninja runs off. General Tso turns to ninja TSO Who are these people? NINJA General Tso, This is a documentary crew. They are making a film about ninja. TSO (to Ben) Really? You know this is a ninja stronghold. BEN Yes, we were told. General Tso, I wonder if you would be good enough to talk with us about your specific ninja clan. TSO I’d be happy to. But you must understand that in order to learn about the ninja, you must look deep into the darkest part of your soul. Ben turns to the camera a raises and eyebrow. SCENE 17 Cut to be sitting in front of fire, chatting with General Tso. BEN General Tso. Let’s start at the beginning. How did you become a ninja? TSO Well, when I was very young, my father took in a sick Japanese named Taki-Gi. The old man was, as we were to discover, a powerful ninja. SCENE 18 Cut to bad dramatizations of boy and father playing checkers with old man. TSO (v.o.) But shortly after taking the old man in, my father died. While playing checkers father dies. TSO (v.o.) Taki-Gi proceeded to teach me in the ways of the ninja. SCENE 19 Cut to Taki-Gi and boy fighting. Taki-Gi beating the shit out of him. TSO (v.o.) He trained me well, for he knew that one day the ninja would discover his whereabouts and try to kill him. You see, once you’re a ninja you can never leave. SCENE 20 Cut to old man sick in bed, zooms out to show boy guarding door. Boy shuts door looks around. TSO (v.o.) But as I grew strong in the ways of the ninja Taki-Gi became old and feeble. I knew he would not be able to defend himself if the ninja attacked. So when one day some ninjas came looking for him, I knew that it was time for me to choose between my good master and the evil ways of the ninja. The ninja run up to the boy in front of the door. He opens the door for them. The ninja run in. Sound: “Ahhhh–-!“ SCENE 17 (cont’d) Cut to Tso in chair. TSO So I worked my way through the ranks, murdered the previous master and here I am. BEN So what sort of things do you do here as the ninja master? TSO My work encompasses all facets of ninja life, from initiation rituals to the occasional duel to the death. BEN What does it take to become a ninja? TSO If you wish to become a ninja you must first search deep down into the darkest reaches of your soul . . . and you must pass the standard physical. BEN So what is ninja training like? TSO Well why don’t I give you a tour of my stronghold and we’ll pass by the training facilities. BEN Oh, great! SCENE 21 Cut to walking to the Hall of Masters TSO I have been having the damnedest time getting my mail recently. About three weeks ago a trainee killed the mailman, thought he was an intruder or something, its all been a damned hassle. TSO (after pause) This is the “Hall of Masters”. These pictures depict the previous ninja masters who ruled the stronghold. SCENE 22 Cut to downstairs through hallway. TSO We develop our own poisons and explosives here in the underground laboratory. Deadly Ninja poisons, I am sure you have heard of them. BEN Not really could you tell us about them? TSO Perhaps you have heard of Donku? BEN No. TSO Well that’s the standard ninja poison. Most ninja darts and stars use Donku. It dissolves your organs from the inside out, climaxing with the victims eyes exploding if they had not clawed them out already, (pause) that sort of thing. BEN Is there an antidote for Donku? TSO The only way to survive Donku is to look deep within the darkest reaches of you soul. Or, certain tibetan cheeses will do the trick strangely enough, but no one understands the power of cheese until it is too late. SCENE 23 Cut to crew walking behind General Tso, he turns to them as they’re walking. TSO So you’re making a movie? BEN Well, a documentary. TSO ‘Cause I’ve got an idea for a scene. There are two guys, one of them is using the bathroom, and the other one is standing outside the bathroom, banging on the door. ‘Cause he really has to use the bathroom you see (pauses in laughter) and the guy outside it like “Let me in, I really have to use the bathroom!” you know like “I really have to go!”. And the guy on the toilet says, “yeah well I’ll not that in my log!” Tso laughs a lot but no one else seems to get it. They keep walking for a few seconds in awkward silence, and come to stop in front of the Gold Elevator. TSO This is our solid gold elevator. BEN Solid gold . . . does it work? TSO Of course! . . . No, no it doesn’t. SCENE 24 Cut to the crew and Tso walking into the room with the big book. TSO Well this is the Book of the Ninja. Contained within this sacred tome is every line of the ninja code. (Pause for effect) Ninja masters for generations have been imparting their accumulated knowledge to the tome. Normally a master writes in the tome as he approaches the end of his life, but my wisdom dictated that I inscribe my interpretation early. BEN Can we see what you’ve written? TSO (Pause) Yes, but be warned, you will be the first outsiders ever to lay eyes on the Book of the Ninja. He opens the book, turns the page. Zoom in to kanji. Subtitle: You must look into the deepest darkest reaches of your soul. SCENE 25 Cut to training grounds. Ninjas are practicing with weapons, sparring, etc. Tso steps in front of the camera. TSO And finally here you see our ninja sparring grounds where the ninja undergo a training regime of unremitting rigor. Every day a ninja must delve deep into the darkest reaches if his soul. BEN So what are the ninja training for? TSO Well, our long term goals are nothing less than apotheosis of all ninja and conquest of the universe. But our more immediate plans are merely to subjugate the earth under a ninja utopia. BEN A utopia of kindness and goodwill, right? TSO (laughs evilly) Hmm mm.. of course. .. BEN Um . . . okay, well let me ask you, has modern technology had any influence on the rituals of ninja life? TSO The ways of the ninja have not changed in nigh on eight hundred years. (Slight pause) To the ninja, time is like the frozen river of pain. Ben looks confused at General Tso. Not understanding his simile. SOUND MAN What does that ... even mean? Tso snaps his fingers and a ninja runs up and impales the Sound Man with his sword and runs back away. Through the rest of the scene the sound man slowly and loudly dies. Ben and Tso raise their voices to be heard. BEN So what were . . . we talking about? TSO . . . um . . . river of pain, something . . . BEN Time, oh. Right - Technology and how it has not affected the ninja at all. TSO That wasn’t entirely true, it was a bit of an embellishment on my part. We actually have a web page. BEN A web page - What is the address? I’m sure there are people out there who would love to visit it, to have a closer glimpse of the deadly life of the ninja. TSO (becoming stern) Very well. In order to reach our web site . . . your browser must have java capabilities, see there’s this wonderful applet we have on the main page. It’s a movie- BEN (interrupts) -Is it of ancient ninja rituals? TSO (continuing) . . . movie of a monkey bathing a cat. Tso realizes what Ben has asked and continues completely making things up. TSO (quickly continuing) . . . which is of course symbolic of the eternal struggle between . . . the monkey god . . . Horatio . . . and . . . Feldspar the . . . cat . . . who is a symbol for the ninja soul which is deep and dark and into which one must, naturally, delve. There is a slight pause, and then the sound man starts dying again, loudly this time. Tso calls over more ninjas to finish him off. This adds horrible hacking noises to his dying screams. Ben and Tso try to continue. BEN Tell me General Tso, do you have any hobbies outside of ninja life? TSO For the ninja there is nothing in life but honor and duty to one’s master. But since I am the ninja master, this gives me a good amount of free time in which I pursue a side career as a DJ. I spin old school rap and jungle beats. I also make the occasional bass album. BEN Really, bass albums? TSO Yes, perhaps you’ve heard of some of them . . . BEN –Well, I doubt– TSO .. I debuted with “The Bass From Outta Spass,” and then I came out with “The Bass 4 Ya Fass.” And I’m currently working on “Back 2 Da Bass-ix.” I did a remix for C-Murder you may have heard called “Click Goes My AK.” Shots of the album covers. SCENE 26 General Tso’s music video for “Tass’t Tha Bass.” SCENE 25 (cont’d) BEN General Tso, in your tenure as ninja master, has anyone ever left the clan? TSO No! Never! Nev-well. . . now that you mention it, yes, I suppose we lose one now and again. They are always swiftly tracked down and brutally murdered of course. In fact, just a couple of weeks ago we had an escape by a bright young fellow named Lou. He had quite a bit of potential, but he couldn’t stand our cruelty. But we never let anyone leave. I remember it like it was only a couple of weeks ago. . . SCENE 27 Fade to bad dramatization. A ninja walks up to a General Tso. TSO Lou, where are you going? LOU I’m leaving. I can’t stand your cruelty. TSO But Lou, you know we never let anyone leave. I had big plans for you, Lou, big plans. LOU I’m through with the ninja’s evil ways. TSO But Lou . . . I am your father. LOU <sighs> I know, Dad. Why do you always say that? TSO Lou, you would leave . . . Precilla? Precilla shuffles into the shot. PRECILLA Yes, Lou. What of our love? LOU I’m sorry, but I must go. But I want you to know that, time permitting, I will return for you. There can never be another woman for me. Lou runs out of the shot. Precilla starts to cry. TSO No! SCENE 25 (cont’d) TSO First I should clarify some specifics. I’m not actually Lou’s father, I killed his father when he was just a wee babe. . Lou that is, not the father, I mean Lou was a babe, the father was of course full grown, since he had given birth to Lou, or well his mother had given birth, not his father, Lou’s mother that is, his father’s wife, you know, but anyway . . . Lou’s father was the son of Wanichi the legendary ninja master, and I knew that if the son was instructed in our ways he could be a powerful ally. There were twin boys, actually, but the other was taken by his mother, it was a divorce thing you see. Each of the grandsons of Wanichi have either side of a ninja birthmark which is said to grant the power to rule of the entire universe. BEN Rule the universe? TSO That’s right. According to legend, when the birthmarks are joined, they can fire energy beams, change the gravitational constant, things of that nature. BEN So you wanted to use this power for yourself, to achieve your goals for the ninja clan? TSO Yes, to advance the state of evil in the world. BEN Of course. TSO And to destroy all goodness. BEN Yes. TSO I was planning on sending out a squad of ninja assassins tomorrow in fact. BEN Oh, would you mind if my cameras followed along? TSO That would be fine, they’re leaving in morning.